Medical Advice

The warm nights have left me tossing and turning in bed all week. That, coupled with a bad habit of going to bed late, has left me totally knackered. I was so tired today that I actually slurred my words while on the phone with a client.

So I decided to listed to my body for a change and go home instead of spin class. I'll ride tomorrow.

It's probably for the best, since I developed a saddle sore over the weekend, and lanced it last night. If you're the squeamish type, you can stop reading now. If you like reading about lancing sores, then you can continue, after which you should seek professional help.

Perhaps due to an unfortunately hairy backside (Still here?) I seem to get saddle sores about two or three times a year. It used to be worse with the higher-bar Atlantis, since more of my weight rested on the saddle. I think this particular sore developed on Friday when I was doing errands on the Cross-Check after work. Cotton shorts and boxers + warm weather = rain forest in my pants.

I used to try and wait out the saddle sore, applying diaper rash ointment every evening to calm its hotheaded fury. "There there, little one," I cooed. That kind of diplomacy only proved slow and ineffective. Nowadays, I take the shock and awe approach. Steps below:

1. Clean your hands thoroughly with Purel or a similar antibiotic.

2. Apply isopropyl alcohol liberally to the "affected area." Fortunately, we now have 150 alcohol prep pads from our Go Bag shopping, so no shortage there. You can also use cotton balls or shop rags. Whatever you have lying around. Ok, not shop rags.

3. Take a clean needle and clean it again with more with alcohol. Last night I used a safety pin. I don't recommend this particular tool, but it's all I had handy.

4. Using a mirror to view the sore, gently lance the living hell out of it. It will hurt. Hurt so good.

5. If it starts to bleed or emit any sort of liquid, you've done well. Encourage the bloodletting with a little squeeze. The idea is to get the crap out of there, and get it to dry up and turn into pain free scar tissue.

6. Clean the area again with alcohol.

7. Give it another poke (clean needle!) to get even more liquid to release. The more the better. This is weakness leaving the body.

8. Give the area a final alcohol wipe down, then apply antibiotic cream liberally. Really, you can't get enough in there.

9. I like to leave the area uncovered to get it to dry out. The last thing I want is to cover it up with a bandage, only to create another moist environment for bacterial orges.

10. Go to bed. I like to do this all at night, so the cowering sore has time to retreat into submission.

I performed this little surgery yesterday, and I'm happy to report that things are much better this evening. I probably could have even gone to spin class without a problem.

Anyway, take this route at your own risk. Certainly, doing Civil War-style surgery that close to an open sewer pipe is risky at best. But it works for me every time. So until my ass cheek swells to Serena-like proportions due to an infection (and I now have a healthy respect for infections) I'm a gonna stick to this method.